I am Syed
by Chrjoyed
Summary: A Syed/Chryed story. Syed is living alone outside Walford after Christian's rejection. Syed's POV but occasionally told from other character's POV's.
1. I am Syed: 1

**I am Syed**

A Syed/Chryed story. Syed is living alone outside Walford after Christian's rejection.

Syed's POV but occasionally told from other character's POV's.

*waves to the WFCTGIO thread*

Disclaimer: Owned by the BBC. I am simply renting them ;-)

**Chapter 1**

"Christian..." I whisper through the stillness. Silence answers me. I am sat here, on this bed. Alone. The bedsit I rent portrays my state of mind and my life, my life without my family, my wife, my community...without _him_.

Dark.

Empty.

Stained.

I see nothing ahead but this cheap imitation of a life. Full of sin and disgrace. I am Syed Masood, the Muslim that goes to bars, clinging to my last vestige of self respect, as I scan the room for a willing male body to comfort me. Afterwards, when I am alone, I weep.

I am Syed Masood. A son, a brother, a Muslim and a man. A man in love with another. _Him_.

I sit up, holding my weary head in my hands. It's early afternoon. I shiver involuntary. Its so cold. I stand and make my way over to the window, pushing the curtains back. I stand in awe as I watch the hustle and bustle of the local street market, movement everywhere, noises, families shopping together, fathers with their daughters, mothers with their sons..._mothers_. I turn my back on the scene, the memories are too much to bear.

I look over and notice a flashing light. My mobile. Could it be? My foolish heart betrays me. He doesn't have my number anymore.

_'Syed. Last night. Wow. You are something else, you know that? Why'd you run out so fast? Not good for the ego, you know! Call me! Paul xxxx"_

The words burned through me like hot ashes. I felt disgusting.

I am not Syed Masood. I am an imposter.

I throw the mobile at the wall. It smashes and lies shattered on the floor. Broken and useless, its reflection reveals my truth.

I recoil onto the bed.

Silence again.

I am alone and he is gone.

**xxxxxx**

The banging noise at my door startles me awake.

"Syed" the voice speaks.

I don't recognise this voice, it is alien to me.

"Syed" the voice repeats, louder this time.

I grab my old tatty blue dressing down and walk over to the door.

"Yes? Who's there?" I say tentatively, tying the robe tightly around my slender frame. I no longer eat much. I have neither the money nor the inclination to bother with such trivialities. If I die, who will see me fall?

"It's Paul. From last night"

"Oh" I reply, disheartened.

"You gonna let me in?"

"Yeah. Sure"

My voice has a mind of its own as I open the door slowly, revealing the body I lay down with last night.

"Its late. Why are you here?" I ask, knowing the answer. I sit on the unmade bed, gesturing him to the sofa. Distance.

"Why do you think, Syed?" He smiles, ignoring my request and sititng next to me on the bed. I shiver and pull my dressing gown tightly around me, like it shields me.

He leans towards me, his fingers brushing my arm.

"I don't even know you"

"So?"

He starts to kiss me. My emotions betray me as my body responds.

This is all I deserve.

**xxxxxx**

I awake alone. My dressing gown on the floor where he had left it after removing it from my body.

I spot a piece of paper, next to the table lamp.

_'Sorry. Had to go. I had a great time xxxx'_

The ink runs as the tears stream down my face.

Picking up my dressing gown, I bundle it into a discarded plastic bag, throwing it away from me as though it might infect me.

I collapse on the dirty floor, sobbing.


	2. I am Syed: 2

**Chapter 2**

I slept fitfully that night. My dreams torturing me of my future.

I have to work.

I walk towards the tiny bathroom of my bedsit.

The hot water of the shower cleanses me of my sins as it flows over my drained body.

I dress quickly, my clothes creased, small stains clearly visible. I place my best jacket over them, grab my keys and head for the busy streets outside.

**xxxxxx**

It takes me five minutes to walk to work normally but I try my best to delay my arrival. I know that without this job I would have nothing.

The regular customers are pleasant, friendly, sometimes free with their money as they offer me tips for my hard work. At times I feel able to join them in their conversation. Carefully I side step the usual topics of small talk. Family problems. The moaning about the wife (or husband) and the latest tales of what 'Little Johnny' or 'Little Amy' did last week. I nod and smile as I bring them their order.

I sit down, shattered. My daily 20 minute break. Staff discounts allow me to order a small baked potato and a glass of orange juice. I need to buy a new phone.

Simon, my fellow waiter, brings me my order. We don't talk much but exchange pleasantries just the same. He doesn't know the truth.

The food warms my body as I sit observing the customers. I drop my fork as I notice someone.

James. _His_ friend.

I pray he doesn't turn around upon hearing the clattering of my cutlery but it is too late. He has recognised me.

He scraps his chair back and strolls over to my table, scanning my face with uncertain eyes.

"Syed? Hi. How are you?"

He sits down uninvited.

I plaster a welcoming smile on my face.

"I'm OK. You?"

"Pretty good, thanks"

His cheeriness irritates me but I cannot leave.

"So...erm...how's Christian?" he asks, nonchalantly.

Was does he want to know?

"I don't know. We're not friends anymore. I don't live in Walford now"

I hesitate to provide more information than I feel is necessary. I don't want him around.

"What happened?"

I quietly seethe at his questioning.

"We fell out" I answer, failing to keep my voice steady. He notices.

"Oh. Sorry. I just..."

He stops, smiles and stares at me. He knows.

"Look. It's just...I'm not stupid you know. There was something between you wasn't there? He told me there was someone else"

He looks down sadly.

I feel guilt and shuffle uncomfortably in my seat.

"Look I'm sorry I have to go. My break is over"

I push my chair back and flee into the cafe kitchens, the tears threatening to reveal my pain.

**xxxxxx**

It's late when I return home. My body aches and my mind cannot forget. I shut the door, walking past my mobile phone and flopping down onto the sofa. I kick off my shoes and reach for the TV remote.

Re-runs of a talk show greet my tired eyes. I turn up the volume and curl up on the sofa.

_'Is your family in meltdown? Unable to have a conversation without it turning into full-scale war? We're looking for guests for an upcoming show who are in a family crises. Call us on 09011 569 258 and leave your contact details and we'll get back to you'_

I grin inspite of myself. In my mind I picture my family. My mother screaming, ranting at me to 'Try harder!", my father expressing his disappointment in me, how I have 'shamed my family', Tamwar sitting uncomfortably, fiddling with his glasses and wondering how he ever thought this TV appearence would improve his standing with the women.

And _him_? He would have too much dignity to lower himself to arguing on national television. He is proud of who he is and wouldn't stand for my mother's public tongue lashing.

_Him_. He is beautiful, inside and out. He is better than me in every way possible. I miss him so much. I miss his touch, his smell, his hands on my hot, sensitive body. I miss how his emerald gems drift over me as I reveal myself to him. I miss the sounds he makes as he comes for me. I need him.

**xxxxxx**

_**Christian's POV**_

I crack open my eyes, willing my mind to recall what I did last night. I'm naked in my bed and I can hear singing in the kitchen.

_'I'm in love with a fairytale'_

The sound irritate my senses. Fairytales don't exist in my world.

"Morning", the man in my kitchen greets me brightly, handing me a mug of coffee. I smile weakly, taking a small sip before placing the mug on the side. He's put too much sugar in it.

"Who...are you?", I grunt. I vaguely remember downing multiple tequila slammers with Roxy last night, then her disappearing with some bloke on her arm, leaving me alone. Her misson for me? Get drunk and find a man to shag. Simple she said, expressing her distaste at my hesitation.

"Awww, it's Leyton. Silly! Did you know you purr in your sleep like a big cat"

He grates and I regret.

"Look, sorry but I really need to go to work. Do you mind?", I snap, contemplating how I ever sank so low.

"Oh, where do you work? Is it local?"

I hate him already.

"No, it's in the city", I grumble vaguely, hoping he'd get the hint and leave.

"Oh, well. I've put my number in your phone. See you later"

He turns and waves to me before disappearing behind the flat door.

I am Christian Clarke. A son, a brother and a man. A man in love with another. _Him._

This is all I deserve.

_**[End Christian's POV]**_


	3. I am Syed: 3

**Chapter 3**

I juggle the shopping in my hand as I count out my money. Most of my wages from the cafe goes on rent, the rest I am saving for a new mobile phone. This is all the cash I have. I scan my list again.

_Bread_

_Milk_

_Microwave Dinner_

_Soap_

I barely have enough to pay for it all but my 'A' in GCSE Maths makes me confident that I do and I head to the till. A short, stocky man scans the four items and I hand him my money. Dropping the change into my outstretched palm, I thank him before leaving the shop. Looking down to check how much money I have left, I walk into something solid.

"Sorry", I apologise, looking up, embarassed by my carelessness.

"Syed"

James.

I curse my bad luck.

"You normally walk about without looking?", he questions, grinning at my mistake.

"I have...to go", I stumble, avoiding his friendly eyes.

I turn to leave.

"Syed. Wait", he grabs my arm, preventing my escape. "How about a coffee? You look like you need it"

"Why are you doing this? What do you want from me?", I snap aggressively, pulling my arm from his grasp.

"I want to be your friend", he states sadly, furrowing his brow.

I feel ashamed.

Silence.

"I don't have much money left"

"Syed, it's fine. It's on me. Come on", he replies, leading the way to the cafe across the street.

**xxxxxx**

_**Masood's POV**_

Kamil is teething and I am tired. His screams echo through the house. I juggle him in one arm, the phone in the other.

"Zainab, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT-"

"Masood! Just do as I say. I'll be home in an hour", she replies appruptly, anger lacing her voice.

I should know better than to raise my voice she always tells me. She shouts, I listen. Most of the time. The crying abates as I gently rock my youngest son from side to side. Nap time. I place him in his cot and close the door.

At last. Silence.

I creep down the stairs. The doorbell rings and I tense. No, please not now.

I open the door.

_Him._

"Christian", I greet my son's ex-lover coolly.

It is September now, six months since my family became the target of the local gossip, men and women with nothing better to do than spread untruths.

_'Apparently he didn't just have Christian on the go. Oh no. He was cheating with loads of 'em. That poor girl'_, I'd hear them say, whispering slightly too loudly, as though they thought I would be too ashamed to to confront them.

"Masood"

Time had past but I could never forgive him for what he had done to my family. He had seduced my son, betrayed his friend and single handedly destroyed my family.

Predator.

Syed? He was weak. Always was and always will be. Weak.

"Jane asked me to bring these round to you", he speaks with emotion, handing me a pile of paper.

"Thank you", I reply curtly.

He turns to leave.

My emotions betray me.

"Christian", I call out.

He turns.

"Have you heard from him?", I refuse to look at him properly. I cannot.

"No", he replies sadly before walking away.

_**[End Masood's POV]**_

**xxxxxx**

_**Christian's POV**_

I walk away. I feel sick. The anger he feels towards me burns through my body. But is there something else? Regret?

_Syed._

Where is he?

The last time I saw him I had turned him away. Whispered visiously in his ear that I never wanted to see him again. That our affair had destroyed too many lives.

He had fled in tears and I turned away, slamming the door on our love.

I pull my phone from my pocket, scrolling for his name.

_Syed._

My finger drifts over his name. I don't even know if he still has this number.

_Syed._

"Christian!", she calls from outside The Vic, "You're late!"

"Sorry Rox!", I shout.

I return the phone to my pocket and plaster a welcoming smile on my face, ready for the waiting punters.

_**[End Christian's POV]**_


	4. I am Syed: 4

**Chapter 4**

"White. No sugar"

He places two coffees on the table and sits down opposite me.

"So...", he trails off, like he is unsure of what to say to me.

"So...what happened with Christian then?"

He shuffles in his seat and I can tell he is nervous.

"James. I don't think-"

"Syed. Please. I need to know", he interrupts me.

I stay silent. What does he want from me?

"When he told me there was someone else I had a feeling it was you", he states sadly. "Then when I saw you turn up just as I was leaving I _knew_ it was you"

He doesn't seem angry. He eyes express only lost dreams.

"We had an affair. I couldn't end it with Amira so he ended it with me"

Recounting it brings pain but I continue as a sense of relief washes over me. It's not _him_ anymore it's _Christian_.

"I don't think he was using you though. I think he just wanted a friend. I hurt him so badly"

I want to make him feel better.

He smiles gratefully, his eyes acknowledging my lie.

"You left Walford", he says, sipping his coffee.

"How could I stay? Christian didn't want me. My family hates me. It was for the best. I get by"

His eyes scan over my stained clothing but he says nothing.

"Here", he smiles, taking out his wallet and handing me a £20 note. "Take it. Please"

I hate feeling like a charity case but my desperation consumes me and I take the money, stuffing it into the pocket of my jeans.

"Thank you James...why are you being so nice to me?", the words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Syed. Me and Christian...it was never meant to be. We are...were...friends...sometimes things become fuzzy...I love Christian, I do...but he isn't meant for me"

"He isn't meant for me either"

"I know him...he'd never risk our friendship for someone he didn't want"

He drinks the last of his coffee before pushing his chair back and standing up.

"Take care Syed", he says before walking away.

**xxxxxx**

_Ping_

The noise from the microwave tells me my dinner is ready. Macaroni cheese.

I carefully remove it from its plastic packaging and spoon it onto the one intact plate I have left. I had smashed the rest against the wall.

Even after all this time, I am still unused to eating alone. We always ate as a family, mum insisted on it. She didn't want us to become the type of family who ate watching TV, with our plates on our knees.

_My mother_. I do miss her. I would do anything to be the son she wants me to be. After Christian had rejected me, I went back to the house. They had seen me running away from his flat. They shunned me, giving me five minutes to pick up any clothes I wanted and leave. I pleaded and begged, cried that I would never see Christian again, that I didn't love him. They scoffed at my lies and turned away from me as I stood in the hallway, my face wet with tears. As I left, I had seen Tamwar staring at me from the top of the stairs. He smiled at me and mouthed something I couldn't understand before turning away and running up the stairs.

I eat slowly, tears streaming down my face. I am frightened. I don't want to be alone. I want my family, I want Christian...so much. I think about him at night sometimes...about us...together. Most of the time I try not too, it only hurts, but I can't help it. We live in his flat above the chip shop, he works at The Vic and I work at Masala Queen with my family. It's my birthday and there are candles flickering all around the flat. He has put red love hearts all over the flat. As I tease him for being so tacky, I secretly adore it. He cooks me dinner before we retire to bed. We make love all night. I cry his name through my passion, "I love you. I love you. I love you", I repeat over and over. It is my mantra. As we lay together, his arms around my waist, he whispers in my ear that I am the most beautiful man in the world. I blush before giving myself to him again in the candlelight.

**xxxxxx**

When I wake, I find myself on the floor of the bathroom, my sick on my clothes. I have a headache and the cause is the smashed vodka bottle lying next to me. The pocket where I had stuffed the £20 note James gave me is empty. Shame washes over me as I pull myself up off the cold bathroom tiles. Stripping myself, I switch on the shower and step in, the water cascading down my body. Rubbing my eyes, I search for the soap, hoping to cleanse my body of sin and my mind of Christian.

_Christian_. Before today, I had never spoken of him since I left Walford. I wanted to reinvent myself. I wasn't Syed Masood, the Muslim who fell in love with a man and cheated on his wife, leaving my home in shame when she found out. I was Syed Masood, the Muslim man who had left home to seek fortunes and a wife, away from the prying eyes of my mother. The other waiters at the cafe had sympathised when I had recounted the story of me, my mother, Parveen and a webcam. I'd make up dates with women and smirk as I told them how tired I was when I greeted them at work the next day. I would smile and joke with them, yet I felt empty inside, lost. The real me wouldn't let me go, wouldn't let me drift off into this make-believe world where I desired women and was just one of the lads. I started drinking and searching bars and clubs for men. Men that desired me and made me feel something, anything. I'd feel alive as I kissed them, stripping off my clothes and having sex with them wherever and whenever I could. It didn't matter. They didn't know me, they didn't want my mind, my heart. They just wanted my body and I was only too willing to offer it.

I switched off the shower and stepped out, searching for a clean towel. I stood infront of the cracked bathroom mirror. I looked a mess. My hair needed cutting, my eyes bloodshot and tired. Would Christian still want me if he saw me now, if he knew I was drinking vodka and shagging random men? I shook the question from my head. It didn't matter now, none of it did.


	5. I am Syed: 5

**Thank you so much for the reviews. **

**x**

**Chapter 5**

_**Christian's POV**_

"Oi, smile Christian. If your face gets any longer, it's gonna hit the floor babe". Her voice pulls me from my private world.

"Sorry Rox", I apologise, attempting to placate her. She really has no idea. Roxy is my best friend but sometimes I feel like we are just too different. We have drifted apart, perhaps irreversibly.

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?", she frowns, sitting down next to me, vodka and coke in hand.

"Rox-"

"Christian, honey. You can't keep doing this. He's gone. You have to move on or else you'll end up a lonely old man, wishing you had someone you can't have"

I flinch at her truthful words.

"I want Sy, Rox. I still love him, I never stopped", I confess quietly, avoiding her fiery eyes.

"Well like I said, he's gone", she states with finality before walking away, shaking her head.

I down the rest of my drink in one go and steel myself for the rest of my shift.

**xxxxxx**

The pub was packed and I was fast wishing I had just stayed home, told Roxy I was ill. She'd tell me being lovesick was not an illness and berate me for pining after Syed, but what did she know? Her one and only serious relationship had ended through her lies and she struggled to get past the first date before she'd end up in the next man's bed.

"Christian?"

"What?", I respond gruffly. I'm not in the mood for talking. I turn to face the direction of the voice.

"James? What?...Why?...What are you doing here?", I stammer. After Syed, James was the last man I expected to be standing in the pub, calling my name.

I see a sadness in his eyes, yet something more was hidden beneath.

"I've seen Syed"

**xxxxxx**

I almost run over to the table, handing him his drink. Double vodka. He keeps glancing down at the table and I can tell he is wondering why he is even here, telling me he had seen Syed.

I sink slowly into the seat opposite him. Roxy stares over. I can see she is eager to know what James wants but I ignore her and she turns away, pouting.

"I went to your flat but you wern't there. I saw Jane and she told me you work here now. I can guess why"

I can sense the accusatory tone in his voice so I say nothing. I feel bad.

"James, I-"

"I know Christian"

"Where is he James?". The protective wall I have carefully built around me since Syed left has crumbled. I laugh inwardly at it's weak foundations.

He hesitates before answering. I know he is hurting but he is too nice to do anything but comply with my request for answers.

"I saw him in a cafe. I think he worked there. It's not a million miles away from here"

"Is he okay?"

"I don't think he has much money. He seemed so sad, like he was broken. He misses you, you know, I can tell. For someone who spent so long lying he isn't very good at it"

I smile, memories of our relationship flooding my senses. The palms of my hands are sweaty and I am aware I am gripping my glass so tightly I am in danger of breaking it.

"Christian", James's voice draws me back.

"I...I just can't...I can't get involved with this again. It almost broke me last time. I'm trying to heal here, be normal again. There is no point in bringing this up again"

If I say this outloud, maybe I will believe it.

"Maybe you're right"

His tone has changed. He seems angry.

"What?"

"You used me, Christian. You wanted Syed and when you couldn't have him you decided I would do. Now you're sitting here telling me it was all a waste of time? Just be honest with yourself for once, and with me. This affair of yours", I wince at the word _affair_, "this affair of yours, it ruined lives and you're just going to let it go? Let Syed go? I'm giving you this because it's the right thing to do. You and Syed...I know you wouldn't have done this if this _thing_ between you wasn't real, wasn't right"

"I am so, so sorry", I plead, my eyes shimmering with tears.

"I know", he replies, grabbing a pen and paper out of his pocket. He scribbles down what looks like an address and hands it to me. "It's the address of the cafe I saw Syed in"

I play with the piece of paper in my hands, folding it.

"Thank you James. Keep in touch, please?", I ask sincerely. I want to repair our lost friendship.

"Maybe"

**xxxxxx**

"So what did he want then?", she is grinning and I can tell she thinks something more happened than it did.

"Nothing"

"Come on Christian", she whines, playfully hitting my arm.

"He came to tell me he had seen Sy", I admit.

Her face falls on the mention of his name and my heart aches. I love Roxy, she is one of the best friends, but Sy...

"Please don't tell me you are actually going to go and find him. He is probably too busy praying or pretending to be straight", she mocks, rolling her eyes.

She hates the hold Syed has over my heart. I don't entirely blame her. She saw the mess I was in when Syed left, she was the only one who stuck by me while others stared and whispered. I know Masood and Zainab think I just walked away unscathed, that Syed was just sex to me, a thrill, but they don't see the shadow that he casts over my heart. I've tried to move on, everyday I force thoughts of his face, his touch, his golden skin, from my mind. If you could only find someone else you'd be fine, Roxy would promise.

"I have a chance here Rox-", I appeal to her. I want her to understand. She is my best friend.

"No Christian, what you have is a man who is too much of a wimp to stick around when things get tough. You want to be with someone who is ashamed of you?"

_**[End Christian's POV]**_

**1 week later...**

"Syed? I know you're in there. I saw you go in"

"Syed? Come on sexy. Open up for me", he laughs, banging loudly on the door.

I want to be alone but I relent, wanting the noise to cease. I unlock the door and pull it open.

"There you are. Looking good Syed, looking good. You gonna let me in?", he smirks, rubbing my arm. I pull away from him but stand aside regardless.

"Paul, I'm really tired, I just want to go to bed". I fake a yawn.

He walks over to me, backing me up against the wall beside the bed.

"I want to go to bed too". He stinks of booze.

His body is pressed up against mine and I can feel his arousal against my thigh.

"I want to shag you till you scream. Actually forget the bed. I want to shag you right up against this wall", he flirts, his fingers playing with my belt.

He starts to kiss me. I respond but as I am kissing him, thoughts of Christian flash through my mind like a movie reel...it feels so real. I feel like I am betraying him. This feels so right, me kissing a man, but so wrong. I can feel _something _when I lie with another man but I don't feel truely complete. No random man will ever be enough for me. None of them will ever give me what Christian does...or rather did, I correct, mentally berating myself.

I push him away and he falls to the floor.

"What the hell? Syed?", he pulls himself up, confusion and shock etched on his face.

"I'm sorry. Please leave. I want you to leave now. Please", I stammer, hot tears pricking my eyes.

"But I thought-"

"JUST GET OUT!", I screech, pushing him again. I don't want him here.

"No way"

He grabs hold of my wrists and pins me against the wall. I struggle but it is futile. He is too riled up to relent in his grip.

Pressing his body against mine, he cuts off all means of escape. He removes a hand from my wrist and pulls at my belt, kissing my neck. I struggle and beg him to stop but he ignores me and unzips my jeans.

I am terrified.

"No, I don't wan-"

I hear a noise at the door. A voice. A knuckle hitting against the wooden door. He stops.

"Syed, it's me"

_Christian. _

I freeze.

Paul's eyes cut through me like razor blades. I don't understand...

"Syed, are you there?", Christian calls out, making my body shiver with delight, mixed with fear and anger.

He releases me from his grip. Saying nothing, he stalks to the front door and pulls it open.

_Christian._

"Sy?", he questions tentatively, his voice wavering, looking past the other man in the room. Without another word, my attacker flees, leaving me and Christian alone for the first time in six months.

**xxxxxx**

"Here", he passes me a coffee. Black and no sugar. "Drink it"

He sits down on the sofa. I remain, leaning against the wall.

I can see his eyes drifting over the bedsit that has been my home for the last six months. The dirty, frayed carpet, the ripped wallpaper, the messy kitchen, unmade bed...

I want to say something but I stay mute.

"Who was that? I thought he might be a-"

"It's none of your business. He's a _friend_"

"A _friend _with benefits yeah?", he repeats the same emphases on the word friend,_ "_Your jeans are undone by the way", he adds, staring at me defiantly.

His voice is laced with barely concealed contempt and I resent him.

I slam the coffee mug down onto the kitchen unit. He doesn't blink at my petulance and I resent him.

"Don't you dare!", I shout, pacing the floor in fury. "_You_ rejected _me_, remember?", I retort. I can see him visably wince at the memory, his lips pursed.

Christian 0: Syed 1

"Only after _you_ rejected _me_, remember?", he replies, dryly.

Damn.

Christian 1: Syed 1

"You outed me to my entire community. Amira..."

"Well you were never going to do it, were you? She needed to know the truth. Sooner or later she would have gotten pregnant and this, this...", he trails off, "...this _sham_ would have destroyed you both...detroyed all of us. You want to lie to your own child? Carry on with me behind it's mother's back?"

Christian 2: Syed 1

"How did you even find me?". I sit down on the sofa, keeping a safe distance between us.

"James"

"What do you even want, Christian? Apart from to make me feel worse than I already do. You and my family would make a great tag team in that department"

"Tell me, who was that bloke really? You seemed upset and he didn't look best pleased either. Did I interrupt a lover's tiff?"

Oh, get stuffed Christian.

"Why do you care? You've probably slept with most of the gay men in London since I left"

"Yeah...only because you wern't there"

"So it's my fault you shag anything that moves?"

"No, but...what else was I supposed to do? You said yourself. I wasn't enough for you...", his voice drips with the fury of unforgotten memories.

"My family-"

"Stuff your family. Where are they now, Sy, eh? Where? They aren't here. The only person who is here is me"

His index finger inches nearer to my hand and I shiver with carefully concealed excitement.

"You hurt me so much, Christian. Forcing me like that", I confess, keeping my voice quiet.

"Ditto. And I never forced you. You could have told them I was lying. Denied it all...but you didn't. What does that tell you, Syed? Cos you know what it tells me? It tells me that I did the right thing and that all you needed was a way out, someone to take that first step for you"

"No"

"Okay, maybe I could have handled it better but I was sick of it Syed. Sick of being wanted when you needed some relief but being shunned again when you wanted to play at being 'proper' normal. I am sorry but I had no choice"

"Christian"

"I waited ten months for you. Watching you and Amira... and then to have your mother call me a sick pervert, your father blaming me for corrupting you. What did I get out of all this?"

"I'm sorry"

"That's just it, Syed. Sorry isn't gonna fix this. Not this time"

"What do you mean?"

"I came here...I came here...to bring you home...to me"

**xxxxxx**

"Syed. Would you please talk to me?", Christian pleads, watching me.

"Why did you say that? Why drag all this up again? I'm fine where I am". I pace the floor, unable to look at him. He is giving me all that I want but I cannot take it, not like this. Not now.

"It looks like it Sy. Look at where you live, the state of the place, its a mess"

"I can't afford anywhere better alright!". I stop pacing and force myself to look at him. I see love and warmth in his beautiful green eyes. They can consume me but I cannot let them.

"I want...I want _us_, Syed"

"Why now? What's changed from that night?", I ask, dropping my tired body onto the sofa.

"I finally had some hope...something James said made me realise...how much I missed you...I never stopped loving you, Sy. I was just so, so angry at you"

"I was angry too"

"I know...we both stuffed up big time...but I never wanted it to end like it did, never. I thought we'd be together at last, that things would be okay. That you would be with me properly at last. If I had known...". He eyes reflect the broken dreams of that night.

"I know", I smile, placing my hand on his. His skin feels warm and I relish my first proper physical contact with him in months.

"That guy earlier. He wasn't a boyfriend"

Our renewed connection compels me to reveal the truth to him.

He says nothing so I continue, relaxing in his company, like I always did.

"I slept with him a couple of times. I met him in a bar", I can see the shock in his eyes but he stays silent, letting me talk.

"He seemed okay but tonight...", my eyes sting and I wipe them with my sleeve, "...tonight he was drunk and...if you hadn't been there...he would have...he had hold of my wrists..."

The tears flow freely now and I make no attempt at stopping them. I glance up at him and I can see anger and pain fill his beautiful emerald gems.

He pulls me into a hug and I weep, clutching him.

**xxxxxx**

I feel gentle fingers flowing over my exposed skin. It soothes me.

"Sy, are you awake?", he whispers into my ear, softly.

"Christian", I groan, stretching in his loose hold. I have my back to him and he has his arm round my waist.

As I wake, he removes it and allows me to sit up.

I had wept for hours last night and Christian had allowed me, holding me whilst I screamed and sobbed, allowing the frustration to pour out. I had cursed at him a few times but he had taken it, gently stroking my hair, calming me again. When I finally pulled my weary body to bed, Christian had taken this as his cue to leave. I grabbed his arm and whispered that he should stay.

We ended up lying together. Me in the bed, and him on it. I wanted him with me, properly, but he had refused. He respected me too much for that, he soothed, and now wasn't the right time. I was too emotional.

"I want to come back with you but I'm scared Christian. My family...", I stop. It hurts to think about how me being back in Walford will affect them, how our relationship will ever recover if I turn up after six months away. I want Christian but I want my family too, how can I possibly have both without one eventually detroying the other through bitter hatred? Will I be the ping-pong ball between them, bouncing around endlessly, both sides aiming for that winning and final shot that cannot be returned.


	6. I am Syed: 6

**Chapter 6**

I glance nervously around as he unlocks the blue door which leads to his flat...our flat...my new home. I see Stacey Slater pushing her baby in the pram, Jean chasing after her. I see Bianca and Ricky having a row about something, she is screaming at him. I don't see my family.

He pushes open the door and I follow him up the stairs. It feels strange being here again. The last time I was here, inside this flat, I had promised myself to him. He was going to leave, move to Florida with his mother. I had begged him to stay, and afterwards, we made love, our connecting bodies fueling our love. I had let him down though, betrayed that promise. But then he betrayed my trust, revealing our relationship to Amira and then to my community. I was angry at him and I held onto that anger, let it fester inside me. Without seeing him, that anger soon turned into a sense of great loss. I had driven him to what he did, I can see that. I can only hope he can forgive me, that we can forgive each other.

"Well, here we are, home at last", he smiles, taking my hand and closing the door behind me. I drop my small bag, full of my scant posessions, on the floor and place my hands around his waist, breathing in his scent. He smells exactly like I remember.

"Thank you", I return the grin and we hold eye contact. I love his eyes. They say you can tell a lot about a person through their eyes, what they are thinking, how they really feel. I know, by looking into his eyes that he in the one. I have been so lost without him.

I sense that he wants to say something to me but is holding back, scared he might ruin this perfect moment between us. Through my eyes, I implore him to tell me.

"Sy. I think you should go to the polic-"

"No, Christian. I can't face it. _Nothing_ happened, okay. He tried to but he didn't". I remove my hands from his waist and walk over to the sofa, flopping down on it. I am so tired.

"Sy, I-"

"Don't spoil it", I implore him, our emerald green and chocolate brown eyes connecting, like the green of the grass and the brown of the earth.

He moves to sit down next to me and I shift over. "Sorry, Sy. I just want to look after you", he admits, his voice breaking.

"I know you do", I take his hand and join our fingertips together. "It's us, now. Forever"

"Forever, Sy"

He leans over and captures my smile in his.

**The End**


End file.
